Fear Factor.

I spent my days in fear of doom.

Not Knowing that fear will not swipe that away.

I feared about death

but death is bound to all!

I look upon others with keen eyes,

Envying their joy and smile.

Poor me! If only I could accept that all of us

has to walk through the same mile.

Come on, Come on, Come on.

O Angel! Come and show me the way.

Where sky is blue and the grass is green,

Where smile is everlasting and sorrows are at bay.

I searched for you everywhere

Thus making my hair go gray.

I look behind and repent.

Ah! only if I could have lived that way.

Now I am just like those of my age.

I lived my years like a refuge

The memory of which can never elude.

I bothered people by my fear

with cry and hue and dropping tear.

They all supported me and were by my side.

I look behind with gratitude for helping me overcome the tide.

The most encouraging word for me now is” Accept”.

Accept, accept it, accept it wholeheartedly.

Accept what comes your way.

Good or bad in the same way.

Keep steady all your emotions and believe in Allah ( SWT ) your Lord.

He will surely answer all your supplications in various denominations.

What you dont get here, You will get it in the hereafter.

“Trust” and ” Patience” is the word to treasure for ever and ever.

EVERY SOUL HAS TO TASTE THE FLAVOR OF DEATH.

It was my cousin sis Sarwat marriage going to take place in Kolkata on the 28th December 2012.We were all present for the marriage. The next day came the news of my father in law ( FIL ) sudden ill health of extremely low blood count and he being admitted in the hospital for blood transfer. My husband (Azim ) started to panic but then the assurance came from his mother that there was nothing to worry so much and that things were under control. Azim return to Kanpur with his elder brother was pre-scheduled on the 31st morning. Soon after his return a call came to me that my FIL has been put on ventilation and his survival was not possible. The same evening he died. I took a flight the next morning and was present on the cremation day. Soon after a week my husbands maternal grandmother died. two deaths within a week shook all the members of the family and the most affected person was my MIL. It was indeed an extreme hard blow on her.

My FIL was a very nice, simple person. Five years back he was diagnosed with throat cancer. The tumor in his throat was surgically removed thrice for three consecutive years due to re-occurrence. From 90 kg his weight reduced to mere 65. He used to be a tall, broad man with an attractive personality but after the third surgery which was followed by radio therapy, he gradually started shrinking. He completely stopped eating due to the excruciating pain in his throat. We used to feed him through nasal pipe. The person who was a food lover now never wanted to eat. Sometimes at the dinner table he would forget and lift something to eat soon realizing his inability to swallow, would keep the food back on the plate with a grieving expression on his face.After few months he gradually started liquid diet followed by semi solid, non spicy food. He loved Chinese food, Hot & Sour soup  and golden fried prawns were his favourite. We used to take him to a Chinese Restaurant where he happily used to order his soup and prawns. After taking the first sip he could not take anymore because of the spice. One or two prawns was the only things which he could enjoy accompanied with a sweet drink which used to soothe his throat from the spice.

After getting radiation although his weight reduced drastically but finally he was cured of cancer. But why did he get the throat cancer? That was a big question for all of us. He never ate tobacco, drank alcohol not even cigarrette he smoked, then why? He was a lover of tea but very hot tea. He used to gulp down the tea served soon after boiling. That was the cause of his tumor. His throat was burnt.The cells got damaged because of the extreme hot liquid. Drinking tea took away his life. Although he died of a heart attack but it is all linked with his ill health caused due to the dreadful Cancer. He had become a patient of Dementia, forgetting things easily, not recognizing people. He suffered from hear loss and could hear only 20% which often lead him into depression and insecurity. He used to cry like a baby on petty matters. In his last days he had become too weak, bent and shaky. Like a child he collected pebbles from the decoration in the drawing room, thinking it to be real gems and  kept those in his safe.

In my husband house my FIL was the person who used to love me the most. Pamper me by calling me his daughter. I always got a lot of warmth and love from him. He used to get happy in my happiness. keep pouring to me fatherly advise whenever I needed. If I oiled his hair, he showered me with loads of blessings and love. I MISS HIM and will always have a resentment that I was not present when he took his last breath. I could not do anything for him when he needed the most.

No matter who ever dies but life just go on. Kin of the dead continue to live, soon forgetting the dead. People indulge in all worldly activities. We eat, sleep, laugh, bath and do everything required. Whatever will come of help to me after my death will be my good deeds. Apart from worshiping Allah, the best deed is to keep people around you happy. Helping the needy gives you a deep sense of satisfaction which no materialistic thing can ever impart. My view is that do all the good deeds quickly and do not postpone as you never know. Today you can help because you are healthy or wealthy but both health and wealth has to go away someday and it is a vicious circle which continues......

People who passed away in front of me and moved my heart.

I always wanted to know and count all those people who passed away in front of me.

1. My dada when I was just 7.
2. Baby Apa ( my neighbour ).
3. Nesar dada. ( baby apa's father ).
4. My Badi nani.
5. Rashid mamu.
6. Divya Bharti. ( an actress died in 1990 )
7. Khalda khala of humera tannery.
8. Mrs. Ishtiaq  Polo died of cancer.
9. Mrs Shamshul Hai.( Nov, 2010).
10.Mrs Sikander. 2010.
11. Jb. Itrat qaiyyum Sb.
12. Jb. Iqbal Hussain Sb.( api's FIL.)
13. Seraj Dada. 2010.
14. Shahina aunty ( sis of Shabana aunty )
15. Munna mamu ( my MIL mamu )
16. Muneer Mamu ( my MIL mamu )
!7. Tanveer. ( Muneer mamu's son, died of stomach cancer )
18. Daughter of Main Sb. ( kidney failure )
19. Eldest bahu of Dabeer Dadi. ( cancer )
20. Father of Shadab. ( SIL od Shamshul hai, road acciddent )
21. Son in Law of Munna manu second daughter.
22. Father of Shabana aunty.
23. Brother of Shabana aunty.
24. MIL od badi phuphi.
24. Husband of anjum aunty ( our neighbour in Damzen Lane)
25. Brother of Tarannum ( within 2 days of dysentry )
26. Shamshad Dada.
27. Engineer Chacha of allied 4 no.
28. Chacha of Allied 5 no.
29. Feroz khan ( actor )
30. Shammi Kapoor. ( actor )
31. Jagjit Singh. ( Singer)
32. My Father in law. ( 31.12.12)
33. My Husband Nani. (08.01.13)
34. Dev Anand. ( actor)
35. Jaspal Bhatti ( comedian)
36.

How I found my best friend.

The difference between me and my elder sister is only 1.5 years. Our's was a joint family and my mom was always occupied with household chores and we were brought up more under the guidance of our grandma.Our family was an orthodox one and only because of my mother's persuasion we were admitted in an English medium school.

My grandma was a stereotype conformist and never encouraged us to take part in any kind of extra curricular activities saying that girls should be more homely and these things were not considered good in our society.

Both we sisters were poles apart. She was very enterprising, ambitious, daring and a rebel and I was very docile, submitting, placid and above all loved to be in the best book of my grandma.For me it was like earning laurels.We were told that while walking on the road we should only gaze on the ground and should not look all around. We should not talk to friends on road. We should not eat on the road side. From school we were not allowed to go to picnics or excursions and were even restricted from taking part in the elocution contest and my sis loved to do all these. I being the favourite of my grandma used to report all this and my grandma continued her quibbling over my sis. Due to this my sister hated me and we hardly used to converse with each other.

At the age of 16 my sister got engaged but I still continued to tattle about her and disgrace her in the family. Then one day my mother counselled me and explained me that I was wrong in my part to constantly put surveillance in my sister's life and by doing this I was making her life a hell and will loose my sister forever. I loved my sister a lot and I realised how I had made myself a constant pain for my sister whose only fault was to experience the world around. My sister acknowledged my changed behaviour and forgave me with an open heart. 

Today I am 29 years old and my sister is my best friend and a person I can count upon.She is always there to protect me in my thick and thin times. I thank my mom that she intervened in our relation and showed me the right path before I could have lost my sister forever in my life. I have also learnt not to keep partial attitudes towards our children this will only make them more offensive.

24th January, 2011.

Today I had called one of my far cousin who is probably younger than me and has recently lost her husband as he died due to failure of his kidneys. She has a son aged 2.5 years and is 8 months pregnant.

Although till date I have not conversed with her but today when i spoke to her she ended crying over the phone. I felt terrible.She told me her son always inquired about his father and asked about his arrival. Her voice was trembling and her words not clear.I felt a deep bruise in my heart after speaking to her. I told her mom that I was ready to help her in all the ways I could ( as they are financially weak too ). Her mom had a constant fear of her having a c- section delivery this time too as the previous one and the fear of the cost made her panic. I comforted her and gave assurance of my help in the best way I could and hanged over the phone.

Tears dropped from my eye and I knew none could understand the pain of a young widow who now has the complete responsibility of raising herself , her child and also the awaiting newborn.

I thanked Allah that he has blessed me with a family and I prayed to Allah for the long life of my Husband. I have an extremely loving husband, MasahaAllah ( All praise to Allah ) and I wish to take my last breath in his arms.I simply cannot imagine my life without him. Allah tests his believers either by bestowing him with all his desires or by taking away everything from him. May Allah grant us all patience to bear all the ups and downs of life, Ameen!

May Allah grant me with the ability and prosperity so that I could help others and I seek refuge from Allah from the dependency on anyone or anything other than Allah alone, Ameen!

MISSING YOU.

Without you this is not a resting place for me.

Without you the world is not enough for me.

You give me strength and desire to live

You have given me love that no one could ever give...

Thanks dear for all your love and care

Without you my life would be simply bare.

I look forward for your arrival.

Resting in your arms gives me survival.

Oh! how could these lonely days pass by soon

So I could hold you firm in my arms under the moon.

With stars shining brightly over our head

And you holding me tightly on the spread.

Your words of love gasping in my ears

Full of smugness my eyes filled with tears.

I can feel you now from bottom to tip

From mind to soul and lip to lip....